Posted in Rants, Thoughts, Writing

So this is how it feels, to be caught in between.

The anxiety caused by the overflow of negativity in my life has caused more than just tears and headaches. It has driven me to isolation to the point that I can no longer last a day in company with people who cause me to be this way. It becomes a relief to know that I will be away for a day more from a person who causes nothing more than doubt and frantic thoughts.

I can do nothing more but to stay silent and stop. I am very afraid of the reality that in every negative word spoken by your mouth, I am pushed into a terrified and anxious state. The knots in my stomach twist and turn at the thought of negativity you utter. I have enough insecurities as it is and to push them further and give more is much too cruel even for you. Do you not realize how extremely unsettled I have been?

I fear that the answer is no. Because I know how insensitive you are of the people who surround you. It does not matter if they feel bad because what matters is that you satisfy what you believe as right. You are always the one who has to have the last laugh, the last satisfied laugh. It is as if getting what you want is a must for you and denying you that is like giving in to a crime. I am resentful because I’ve had to experience it my entire life yet I have no way to escape. I am forced to be in between.

I am forced to choose between what I know and believe as something right and you who believes all the negativity in the world you revolve in. And because I love you, I do not even have the heart to push you away. But people are people and we have limitations. What am I to do? Choose between what can relive me of the pressure and anxiety in the world or remain in the waters that drown me with doubt?

Posted in Thoughts, Writing

Open Letter: To You

I’m writing this down to remind myself that everything will be as it is until change decides to come and mess with my reality. Until then, everything else will remain as ease and life will move on as it has done for the past 28 years of my life.

I’m writing this to tell you how inexplicably upset I am for the words I have not heard and for the thoughts that I should not even be thinking of because of you. Yes there was a time when possibilities were encouraged, accepted, embraced. Possibilities that may lead to positive or negative situations but possibilities nonetheless. But time has passed and though I cannot verbalize it in front of everyone in my closed circle, except for a fair few who I hold dear, I come clean and say that yes, I was hurt. I was hurt. Yet in that moment, no one else knew and no else should know.

I felt like an idiot for feeling my heart break. I do not have to feel like this. The world revolves regardless of who fails to smile and be happy and it will continue to revolve.

Here we are. And now I hear words unspoken once again. Is it not enough to experience this only once? I’m faced yet again with mindless chatter of who should be and what should be.

This I say to you, regardless if you read this or not, unless you speak of what should be told, nothing will be earned. Nothing will happen. Nothing will change. But with a guarded heart, I will not fall for this ruse.

Posted in Thoughts, Writing

Reconciling My Life and Memories

Have you ever felt like you’re living in a world that only you can understand? Sometimes life gets to me like that. It feels like I have a lot of things going on in my head and in my life but it doesn’t feel like the people and my surroundings are affected at all. They say it’s just me being my introverted self but in reality, this is something that even I can’t decipher.

When a Filipino child is young, people often say the term walang muwang. It’s a Filipino term that’s commonly related to the innocence of a child. Innocence of the world’s negativity and whatnot. I decided to start this paragraph off with this term because I wanted to slowly pull out memories off my head.

The first real memory I have was of the ceiling in our old house in Parian, a small neighborhood in Calamba, Laguna. All I remember was the sensation of waking up and opening my eyes to a bright light. It was simply the light on my lola’s ceiling. I’m not too sure but I was probably around four or five.

I’ve no recollection of anything particularly outstanding during that moment; only that I woke up and I was under that bright light. I remember the rustling of my mom as she move about in the room but other than that there was nothing else coming to my mind. Everything else a vague montage of what could’ve been my childhood adventures.

I remember snippets here and there. I remember wearing that blue checkered uniform from my nursery. I remember the way my cousins and I would argue as to who should ride at the back of my uncle’s tricycle. Although you’d usually use it for bags all of us would argue about who should sit there.

School was more or less a playground for all of us. It was a place where we met new friends and interacted with others who were not from our compound. After school, the same tricycle would pick us up and drive us back to the compound. I remember Tita Nit, waiting for us as we arrived. Her youngest daughter, my older cousin, is in the same grade as I am. She’s older by a few months, if I recall correctly.

Apart from my older cousin, I always had friends in my school. My closest was Rayshel. She was and still is one of my closes friends. I remember a time when we were at the school’s auditorium. We had just finished our exams that time and we were playing around the auditorium. We were having a lot of fun.

Back then everything was different. We were close and I was also close to her mother. Right now, it just feels like she sees me as the most detestable person in the world so I try not to see her. I know. It’s not a good thing to do, especially since I’m friends with her mom.

The way she talked to me and the way she interacted with me back then was very different. I don’t understand why she would react that way when I was clearly ok now with her daughter.

Fast Forward on our 18th birthday, Rayshel came to mine but unfortunately I couldn’t go to hers. It was a rainy day and I had to stay back and baby sit my younger sister. It was an excuse but I guess she and her mom didn’t accept it as easily.

Fast Forward on 2011, when my life felt like it had no meaning and when I felt like I chose the wrong career. Rayshel went to my house and we finally reconciled. Although the reconciliation was done, it wasn’t fully the same. We’ve moved on in life and we spent a good amount of time away from each other. I have made friends of my own and she had hers.


This entry isn’t to signify that our friendship had a sad ending. In fact, there’s still a lot ahead of us and I know that in time, we’ll be able to find that friendship that we used to have or if not, it’ll be something better. All I can do is to wait and look forward to it.

Posted in Rants, Thoughts


I have this burden in my heart that bugs me. No matter how much I try I feel like I have to say it but through an avenue that will not be bothered, exposed, or questioned.

Despite our differences, I open up to my sister. However, opening up to her doesn’t really relieve me of any of my problems. Thinking about it now, I feel more insecure when I do so. Because whenever I open up to her she would tell me things that I’d rather not do. 

Whenever she talks about me she would always say that I’m sensitive or say that ‘she’s like that’ which does nothing but feed my mind with questions. I mean, the way she says it makes me feel like such an incompetent person. 

I don’t disagree, mind you. Because I know I’m sensitive that’s why I feel this way. I acknowledge that and I try not to be too sensitive when I can because I know I can control that. But there’s always something about the way she talks about me that makes me feel so pitiful. Sometimes I feel so bad that I literally don’t want to live with her in the same house. If you want me to open up to you, thanks. I appreciate that, but if you can’t keep your mouth shut when talking about me, no thank you. 

Posted in Rants, Thoughts, Writing


I feel so exhausted. I want to rest. I want to sleep. Everyday just feels so tiring. I feel trapped. Whenever I have people around me I don’t feel like they’re there. I feel like I just don’t exist. 

Sometimes I tend to feel like I wish I didn’t exist. It feels like that because I don’t enjoy feeling of being with others and yet I feel like I’m more alone in their company. 

It’s easier to write it down now than talk about it personally. I feel like despite how everything has been with me and my sister she is trying to reach out to me. But I don’t think that the way she tries to reach out to me helps. It just feels a lot like digging through a scabbed wound, reopening everything and exposing everything.

Posted in Thoughts, Uncategorized, Writing

Days and dazed

My constant rants and writing signals a flow of thoughts that I cannot control. I tried to talk it out to a friend today but I felt that she wasn’t willing to listen so I stopped. 

On days when I wake up and feel my chest constrict I try to find ways to ease it off. I try to lean on positive quotes, motivational pep talks from TED and devotions. I surf through the net to see what I can read or watch but often times what I watch or read are just a means to distract myself from reality. 

To some home is their escape from tedious work and tiresome people chatter. To me, home doesn’t feel as comforting anymore.

Posted in Thoughts, Writing


On my way to work right now and I’m riding an uber. Dad’s on a business trip in Cairo so we’re left to fend for ourselves for the time being. 

As I’m about to step out of the room I remind my sister to leave early so as to not get into too much traffic. All I get as a response is a snarky “Oo alam ko. Nakaalis na ako nang ganung oras.” (Yes, I know. I’ve left the house at a similar time before.) 

I was just trying to give a reminder. If you don’t want me saying anything similar then don’t worry. I won’tbother you   anymore. I’ll go alone when I can. I’ll shut my mouth when you’re around. It doesn’t seem to be worth your time anyway.