Have you ever felt like you’re living in a world that only you can understand? Sometimes life gets to me like that. It feels like I have a lot of things going on in my head and in my life but it doesn’t feel like the people and my surroundings are affected at all. They say it’s just me being my introverted self but in reality, this is something that even I can’t decipher.
When a Filipino child is young, people often say the term walang muwang. It’s a Filipino term that’s commonly related to the innocence of a child. Innocence of the world’s negativity and whatnot. I decided to start this paragraph off with this term because I wanted to slowly pull out memories off my head.
The first real memory I have was of the ceiling in our old house in Parian, a small neighborhood in Calamba, Laguna. All I remember was the sensation of waking up and opening my eyes to a bright light. It was simply the light on my lola’s ceiling. I’m not too sure but I was probably around four or five.
I’ve no recollection of anything particularly outstanding during that moment; only that I woke up and I was under that bright light. I remember the rustling of my mom as she move about in the room but other than that there was nothing else coming to my mind. Everything else a vague montage of what could’ve been my childhood adventures.
I remember snippets here and there. I remember wearing that blue checkered uniform from my nursery. I remember the way my cousins and I would argue as to who should ride at the back of my uncle’s tricycle. Although you’d usually use it for bags all of us would argue about who should sit there.
School was more or less a playground for all of us. It was a place where we met new friends and interacted with others who were not from our compound. After school, the same tricycle would pick us up and drive us back to the compound. I remember Tita Nit, waiting for us as we arrived. Her youngest daughter, my older cousin, is in the same grade as I am. She’s older by a few months, if I recall correctly.
Apart from my older cousin, I always had friends in my school. My closest was Rayshel. She was and still is one of my closes friends. I remember a time when we were at the school’s auditorium. We had just finished our exams that time and we were playing around the auditorium. We were having a lot of fun.
Back then everything was different. We were close and I was also close to her mother. Right now, it just feels like she sees me as the most detestable person in the world so I try not to see her. I know. It’s not a good thing to do, especially since I’m friends with her mom.
The way she talked to me and the way she interacted with me back then was very different. I don’t understand why she would react that way when I was clearly ok now with her daughter.
Fast Forward on our 18th birthday, Rayshel came to mine but unfortunately I couldn’t go to hers. It was a rainy day and I had to stay back and baby sit my younger sister. It was an excuse but I guess she and her mom didn’t accept it as easily.
Fast Forward on 2011, when my life felt like it had no meaning and when I felt like I chose the wrong career. Rayshel went to my house and we finally reconciled. Although the reconciliation was done, it wasn’t fully the same. We’ve moved on in life and we spent a good amount of time away from each other. I have made friends of my own and she had hers.
This entry isn’t to signify that our friendship had a sad ending. In fact, there’s still a lot ahead of us and I know that in time, we’ll be able to find that friendship that we used to have or if not, it’ll be something better. All I can do is to wait and look forward to it.